Salt poem

Originally written March 4, 2014   I’ll get the aluminum saltide The sodium aliminumade Some gay chemistry shit-box I just wanted to say shit, it was autocorrected to “shit-box” Thanks, LibreOffice   I see the cat stretching and pooping I love its facial expressions I know there’s nothing wrong with me   My farts smell bad That is largely why I would feel uncomfortable in a serious relationship I need time to be alone so I can fart   And also think-talking Again, I just wanted to say “think” Thanks LibreFaggot Nigger   I will never be understood I am […]

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One Flew Over the Robotic Baby Overlord

Originally written March 1, 2014 The baby was strange and intimidating. The old people were confused and afraid. “Medication time,” said the baby. “OK, can I please have my medication?” asked the old Jim Crawfish. “Now now,” said the baby. “If you don’t wish to take your medication orally, we can arrange to have it delivered to you anally!” “What?” said the man. “I didn’t say that! I want my med–” “Now Mr. Crawfish, there is no need to act upset. If you want to act like a child, you will be treated as such.” “I did nothing!” he screamed. […]

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It’s going to be a good day

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Note: originally written August 3, 2014 I decided that today was going to be a good day. I put my pants on and ran downstairs. “Today’s going to be a GOOD day!” I shouted. “Will you quit being such a faggot?” my wife said. I put on my pouty face and sat down. “What’s for breakfast today?” I asked her. She frowned and didn’t say anything for a while and I just stared at her. “Nothing,” she finally said. “Well goddamn,” I said. “I got to get to work!” I jumped into the car and looked at the clock. I […]

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The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Here is the beginning of The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky: Towards the end of November, during a thaw, at nine o’clock one morning, a train on the Warsaw and Petersburg railway was approaching the latter city at full speed. The morning was so damp and misty that it was only with great difficulty that the day succeeded in breaking; and it was impossible to distinguish anything more than a few yards away from the carriage windows. Some of the passengers by this particular train were returning from abroad; but the third-class carriages were the best filled, chiefly with insignificant persons […]

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The Beef Baron

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Chapter 1 I was sitting at my throne, eating macaroni and cheese. I was watching the Spanish channel. It was some sort of reality TV show. Everyone was acting very animated. I think there was some sort of romance that had gone bad. Spanish people are so funny! “Hablabamos!” I shouted. My butler entered the room. “Sir… will you be having any ice cream this evening?” I closed my eyes… I smiled. “Butler… butler…” I sighed. “Yes, he will. I will have a sundae with a chocolate chip cookie on top, please.” “Indeed, sir,” he said, and he walked out. […]

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The point of life

All you can do is the best you can with the information that has been presented to you. Do you have control over what you believe? My guess is no, because it seems to me like the brain will always do the best it can. There are no situations where the brain could have done better. To say that you could have willed yourself to try harder or do better is basically saying that you could have changed the actions of subatomic particles which make up the brain, right? But of course, these particles operate according to simple rules, so […]

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Why SJWs exist

Social justice warriors exist because calling someone a bigot is a very powerful accusation. It is the internet-argument version of a rape accusation. Just the accusation itself is damaging, no matter what the context is or the facts are. SJWs use these arguments because they want to feel powerful. They can stir up a lot of shit and get a lot of attention and moral high ground by claiming to be offended by everything because of supposed bigotry. News organizations are afraid to be anything other than 100% squeaky clean and approved by every SJW out there, because their profession […]

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I wish “theRadBrad” would just kill himself

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Let’s say you want to see what a certain video game looks like. You look it up on YouTube and the first result is always something uploaded by the YouTube user “theRadBrad”. If you end up watching this video, it involves a grown man constantly explicitly stating how excited he is and how awesome the game is. It goes without saying that pretty much every “Let’s Play”-er needs to kill themselves, but “theRadBrad” is truly in a league of his own. Whenever he starts playing a game and says “this game is so awesome, I’m so excited to bring you […]

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Mrs. Freshley’s

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Mrs. Freshley’s is a company that produces various combinations of flour, palm oil, and high fructose corn syrup. They can make doughnuts, brownies, nutri-grain bars, oatmeal cream pies, and all of that sorts of shit out of these 3 ingredients. On the back of every Mrs. Freshley’s product, it says Moist, wholesome and delicious, one of them is sure to be your special favorite! Mrs. Freshley’s products are the finest high-quality snack foods available to you and your family. They have to be – Mrs. Freshley wouldn’t have it any other way! First things first, “Mrs. Freshley” is not a […]

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