The Purple Pixie dimension

Pockie Pixie was a member of the Faggot Crew, a group of Pixie Ponies who pranced about in the CANDY-SPACE robotic transcendental dimension/planet. Pocket Pixie started an argument by telling Purple Pockie that he was a massive Faggot. Purpy got mad and told Pockie to suck his own dick. Then Burpy Blocky (the boss) came over and said they were both faggots. Pockie and Pixie got mad. “God damnit,” said Pixie. “Fuck you.” “Eat my cunt,” said Burpy Block. He then said, “Blocky penetrator, activate.” Then a big blocky dick extended out from his chest. “I’m going to fuck you,” […]

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ROBOT SCHOOL 001

“But I don’t wanna go to school today! Wah! WAAAHHH!” “IF YOU DO NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO ENTER THE TORTURE CHAMBER.” “Fuck you! Shut the fuck up!” “IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, YOU WILL BE FORCED TO ENTER THE TORTURE CHAMBER.” “God fucking damnit!” I got out of bed and slipped my shoes into my sandals which were sitting at the side of my bed. Then I kicked the cylindrical robot that was in the doorway. “Get out of my way you fat fuck!” I screamed. Kicking this robot sounded like kicking a metal […]

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I hate the third world

I really shouldn’t hate it. Colonialism destroyed the natural order of the places and led to total societal destruction, but currently I hate it. Third worlders breed like rats and destroy everything around them. They’re a plague on the earth and an environmental disaster. I really wish that someone would spread powdered plutonium over 80% of africa and south+southeast asia to make the land inhospitable to humans. Since they have no money, they can’t clean it up. The animals can adapt eventually like they did in chernobyl, and they breed even faster than humans. Irradiating the third world is actually […]

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Average man

People don’t know that I’m insane. I wear sunglasses. I wear jeans. I also wear a button up shirt. I am asian. I wear sunglasses. I am of average… weight. Build. I look like an average asian man. But every day, when I get home from walking around the sunny streets of Berkeley, California, I turn on my Dell Inspiration 7800 desktop computer, with Windows XP, and I open up Internet Explorer, and I type “XXX” into Google. This gets me to some porn websites. Then I walk to my kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal. Then I […]

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Daily chores

It is a Tuesday morning. The men are performing their daily chores. “We just want to live a normal life, make babies, be safe, you know?” says Nassir al-Muhammad. After separating beans from bean shells for 14 hours every day, the men usually come home and eat a dinner of beans which their wives have prepared. “We do not want war,” says Nassir’s wife, Farnaz. “The America wants to tell us who will be our president? I don’t think so!” The president’s name is Muhammad al-Muhammad. He got into power by brutally murdering and torturing millions of people. People are […]

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Woody Allen interview excerpt

Speaking of death, I said, you were once quoted as saying that not a day goes by when you don’t seriously contemplate suicide. Allen was nodding almost before I finished the sentence. The snow tapped forlornly on the windowpanes. “The thought occurs to me,” he said. “But not in the sense of, God, I’m so depressed, why don’t I kill myself? It’s more of a philosophical question: What is the point of going on? We just live out our years on Earth, we don’t know why we’re here, we create relationships that sever painfully when one party or the other […]

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The Grand Budapest Hotel review

dining-room-grand-budapest

The main problem with The Grand Budapest Hotel is that it seems inaccessible for all but the richest and gayest of individuals.  Nothing that happens in it seems real or relatable.  The entire thing seems like the elaborate fantasy of an incredibly rich and sheltered gay man.  Or, an incredibly gay and sheltered rich man.  Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but it seems like the entire movie is some sort of anal diatribe on clothing, mannerisms, formal speaking, and interior design.  This movie opened up my mind to the possibility that a lot of the hipster […]

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Planet Fart

Chapter 1 I woke up one day and farted. Then I got out of bed and walked downstairs, where my white wife and children were eating breakfast. “Good fart,” I said. “Good fart,” said my youngest daughter, Emily. “Melony… Melony, what’s wrong?” My wife looked disturbed. “Haven’t you heard the news?” she flubbered. “The top scientists are reporting that, in the future, anal sex will be even more taboo, because we will all have these devices shoved up our asses, which make it so that farts– “Honey, honey, calm down. I’m sure it’s not as big of a deal as […]

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Life is so shitty!

Life is so shitty! Almost everyone is so stupid, nothing is lastingly satisfying, if you have half a brain it means that you’re going to be thinking about all the problems going on constantly… it just sucks! What are you going to be thinking about all the great things that are happening, and how great everything is? That’s not thinking. Thinking is problem solving. If you’re dumb, there’s a good chance you’ll be unhappy too. You basically have to be dumb and lucky and then you’ll be happy. Your own thoughts won’t disturb you too much and you won’t be […]

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